Journal Entry #1 March 29, 2019


This morning in meditation.. my thoughts race around my schedule, I tighten. I create stories about how can I perfect my relationships, make sure I get self-care, take care of my family, take care of my mind, my spirit. All of this happens in 15 minute increments in this 15 minutes of “space” I have been disciplining my self, or perhaps allowing myself, to each morning this week.

I feel the thoughts constricting my heart like a knot tied too tightly around a gift.

I think. At least I feel my heart trying to open. It is a visceral feeling of trying to break free from the inside, like a chick ready to hatch from it’s shell. This gives me hope that it wants to be freed from all my fear and self-will.

I visualize God asking, “Do you love me?” and when I do, all I can feel is God loving me, but nothing in return, perhaps because the feeling is so unidirectional. Like gravity forcing matter into matter.

So I think, how can I poke holes into this being and become like a faucet pouring His love onto others.

Kindness. The word kindness comes from the old English word kyndness, which can mean to produce.

In all my thoughts about producing results this morning, I am left with the best way of being productive in the world, which is to be kind.

What is being kind, besides being available to have God’s will work through us?